Chapter 12 The Call of Abram
The Lord tells Abram he has to leave his country, his people and the household of his father and go to a land that he will show Abram. The Lord promises to make the nation Abram founds into a great one, promises to make Abram's name great, to bless Abram and those who like him and to curse those who don't. The Lord also promises that all peoples on earth will be blessed through Abram. (GEN 12:1-3) So Abram does as he is told and ups sticks and takes Lot with him. Abram is, we are told, 75 at this point. He takes his wife Sarai, Lot, all his possessions and the people he 'acquired in Haran' (GEN 12:5). Are we to take 'acquired' literally and presume that the Lord approves of slavery then?
So Abram and his group arrive in Canaan by a tree that is for some reason 'great'. The Canaanites are already there, but that doesn't trouble the Lord, since he gives it all to Abram's offspring (or possibly seed - which could give an entirely different literal meaning - which is it literalists?). Apparently in the eyes of God possession isn't nine tenths of the law. To be honest I'm glad I rent, who wants to own a house if the Lord can come along and just give it to someone else? Not surprisingly Abram is dead chuffed and builds an altar right there.
From here Abram continues on to the hills around Bethel and pitches his tent (can't help but wonder if that is a euphemism for something) with Bethel to the west and Ai to the east. Here he throws up another altar. Clearly planning permission and housing associations weren't a problem back then. Then he continues on to Negev.
Unfortunately for Abram (although as we're about to see the real loser here is Abram's wife) there's a famine and so Abram decides to head on over to Egypt instead. At the border though, Abram shows what a snivelling coward he is. Because Sarai is a bit of a looker Abram thinks people might kill him so they can cozy up with her - apparently ancient Egyptians like to kill anyone married to a beautiful woman - so he tells Sarai to tell everyone that she is actually his sister. Here's the exact quote from GEN 12:13.
Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you.What a proud example of Biblical manhood. Don't want to stand up for the woman you love and your marriage? That's ok, the Bible tells you it is ok to hide behind the skirt tales of your loved one. What a ponce. Notice how the snivelling toad also tries to portray it as if he is only doing it for Sarai. Tosser.
So they go to Egypt and man's man that he is Abram lets the Egyptians take his wife to Pharoah, who obviously has an eye for the ladies and let's face it, he doesn't know that Sarai is already someone's wife so why wouldn't he? Abram then lets Pharoah treat him well while he is knobbing Sarai. So Abram is basically an early pimp and the Bible says it is ok. Abram gets sheep, cattle, donkeys, man and maid servants as well as camels. So clearly Sarai had some skills. But Abram is quite clearly nothing but a cowardly pimp.
Of course this being the Bible it is now time for some twisted and fucked up morality and justice from the Lord. Abram pimps out his wife to the oblivious and innocent Egyptian Pharoah to save his own skin, so clearly God punishes Abram, right? I mean, he is the douchebag here isn't here?
God inflicts serious disease on Pharoah and his household. (GEN 12:17) I mean, come on. God and his followers really are a massive bunch of knobheads. Not surprisingly Pharoah summons Abram and asks "Dude, what the fuck? How come you God botherers can never tell the truth, particularly when it comes to covering your own ass? Take your old lady and do one." (GEN 12:18-20) Pharoah, showing he is clearly a bigger man than Abram or God could ever be, sends Abram on his way with his wife (who, let's face it, should have told Abram to go fuck himself with the spikey end of a garden rake) and all their stuff, and tells his men not to chop Abram into little bits. Which, in all honesty, would have been to good for the prick anyway.
For fucks sake, people actually argue that God and this bollocks are the source of morality - where's the fucking morality here? This is so messed up it isn't even 'Screwed" it's off the chart. Sure, compared to some of the nutfuckerry that has gone before in Genesis this is tame, but come on. Do you seriously want me or anyone else to get my morals from this book? I think this clearly gives us an insight into the people who claim that God and the Bible are our true sources of morality. Disturbed and fucked in the head and clearly of the opinion that women rank somewhere between lawnmowers and cups of sugar - it's ok for your neighbour to borrow them to. This is Abram we are talking about, Abraham. Father of the Israelites. He of the Abrahamic religions Judaism, Christianity and Islam. He was a fucking cowardly pimp! This is the revered father of the worlds largest religions?
Anyway, chapter 13, Abram and Lot seperate.
So Abram the Pimp takes his possessions (which according to the Bible it seems his wife is) and Lot goes with him, back to the Negev. Abram, and the Bible makes a big deal of this, is very wealthy in livestock, silver and gold. Because, and let's be clear about this, he pimped his wife out to the Pharoah to save his own skin. (GEN 13:2)
Abram moves around a bit until settling back near Bethel where he had built his second altar. There he called on the name of the Lord. Presumably to see if he fancies a go with Sarai. Lot also has some herds and flocks and tents, possibly from pimping out his women too, the Bible doesn't say. The land couldn't support both of them however since they had acquired so much stuff (thereby sticking two fingers up at all that later stuff about rich men, heaven and the eyes of needles). Abram's herders start arguing with Lot's herders and on top of this there are also Canaanites and Perizzites living in the neighbourhood. Probably hanging around in the hope that they'll get lucky with Sarai. Abram says to Lot "I hate it when we fight, you go one way and I'll go the other." (GEN 13:8-9) Lot looks around and sees that the plain of the Jordan is well watered so sets off that way. Abram stays in Canaan whilst Lot lives among the cities of the plain and pitches his tent near Sodom. The men of Sodom were apprently wicked and were sinning against the Lord. Now, for these guys to be called wicked you have to wonder just exactly how depraved they were because Abram pimped out his own wife to save his own skin and God seems to have approved of this behaviour, so I am guessing that Sodom was one fucked up place.
The Lord then reminds Abram just how much land he has given to Abram and his offspring, therefore further proving that God has no problem with prostitution. (GEN 13:14-15) God also promises that he will make Abram's offspring good and fertile, like rabbits really. So Abram goes a wandering through his domain before finally settling near Hebron. Where he builds another altar. Presumably as a thank you to God for letting him get away with being a colossal douche to his wife.
This shit is just messed up.